Dear Philadelphia Phillies (A Rockies Eulogy)

By: on Sep 03 2010 - 12:58am



On Thursday, September 2nd, the Philadelphia Phillies came to Denver and ended the Colorado Rockies’ 2010 season. After failing to capitalize on an absolute gift of an August schedule, the Rockies were on life support. They needed to win 3 of 4 games between a road series in San Francisco and a make-up home game in Colorado versus the Phillies just to stay afloat. The Rockies would grab just one in San Fran before falling 11-12 at Coors Field; a death knell for their season.

The Colorado Rockies National League baseball ...
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Dear Philadelphia Phillies,

I’m glad it was you.

Just like last year, charging in to dash our hopes with your veteran band of overpaid sluggers.  Seasoned pros.  National League dominators.  Death in Red.

Nobody else would do.  You’re like our big brother.  We take all the trouble to build up this amazing, awkward, “I think I can” season, and you carelessly kick it down from on high.  Sweep through on your way to another playoff run where Charlie Manuel will somehow cobble together a pitching staff with recycled specialists and rubber cement.

But this is good.  We asked for this; a series of brutal home-field deaths.

After we rocked your world (and your bandbox ballpark) in ‘07, we knew there would be consequences.  So now each time we rise up from the high plains to deal some damage, there’s always the 2nd biggest NL payroll to violently put us down.  Our scrappy little home-grown ball club ever that one big hit or shutdown inning away from coming out on top.

And that should worry you.  Because the Rocks are scrappy but they’re also young.  Dugout-to-rotation young.  And season will come when Colorado is ready to take the wood to ya again.

When that day comes, we’ll remember all the breaks going your way.  We’ll remember our bullpen collapsing under the weight of your 142M worth of talent.  We’ll grudgingly remember your veteran guile and our rookie shortcomings.

But most of all, we’ll remember the Phillies faithful infesting our stadium with their loud, otherworldly obnoxious brand of fandom.  (I was there last night.  Bore witness to it; a culture of sports fans who come to games to get thrown out of them.  Keep it in Philly, please.  This is a nice place, and we could do without cheesesteak-filled balloon people muckin’ it up.)

And in that glorious hour, we won’t say a word against you.  Just leave you to mire in a drunken stupor.  Just take this wide-open National League from you and walk away.

Sincerely,

One Bummed Out Rockies Fan

**NOTE**

I love giving s**t to Phillies fans about how awful they truly are.  Seems every year I have to violently give up on our Rockies so that I can love them again.  The ultimate dysfunctional relationship.  I told the Rocks that if they won a @#$#@!* road series I’d come running back.  Well… here we go again…

And chin up, Phills and Phillettes, you should be proud of the intimidation factor that comes with being the biggest asses in sports.  No doubt most visiting players loathe to land in Philly.

This entry was posted by on Friday, September 3rd, 2010 at 12:58 am and is filed under Rockies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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  • Matt

    How do you figure we paid Howard too much? They were smart by signing him ahead of time before Pujols and Fielder went to free agency. Howard would then have warranted somewhere between the utterly insane contract Pujols will get and whatever overpaid Salary Fielder gets for his fat ass. The Phillies probably saved themselves money. Next you’ll give me that Howard isn’t that good bla bla bla. The guy carries the team every season. He was on a ridiculous tear too before he got hurt this year. Hopefully he’ll get back to form before our WS run. But saying that Ryan Howard isn’t worth it is ridiculous. He’s also done everything the team asked by losing weight and markedly improving in defense. He’s a more patient better hitter now too with a higher batting average.

    As far as keeping Werth I’d like to as well but it won’t be possible when the Yankees or Red Sox are going to pay him 3x what he’s actually worth. The Phillies would do better by finding another serviceable right handed bat that costs less money. If they hadn’t overpaid Ibanez or Lidge they would have already signed Werth.

    Additionally you’re a bit off on your analysis of Polanco. The Phillies originally got him in 2002 when they traded that whining douchebag Scott Rolen to the Cardinals. We traded him in 2005 because the Phillies brought up Utley to play second and we unfortunately had David Bell at third collecting a huge paycheck. So they shipped Polanco to Detroit in a move that virtually every person in the Phillies organization has stated on the record was a huge mistake and that they regretted it almost immediately. The Phillies made no secrets about their intent to bring Polanco back and he stated numerous times he never wanted to leave. Only total pussies don’t like playing in Philadelphia. Once you get here and bleed for us we will back you for life and most real athletes love playing in front of us.

  • dssda

    Why Ryan Howard is overpaid.

    http://bit.ly/c0cjou

  • Curious Observer

    If one is to ponder payrolls, one has to also wonder how it is that Mr. Cerveny even gets paid for this drivel.

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      Paid? I give crap to Phillies fans for free! An absolute pleasure.

  • jimmy2times

    Don’t cry because your fanbase sucks and your team has no money to spend. the reason the phillies can go out and grab free agents is because the fans come out every night. it’s economics.

    the phillies core is homegrown. when they won the world series they didn’t do what all the teams with horrible fan bases do in letting their players walk away because they don’t want to pay them. We paid our boys, and we fill in the pieces as needed. Sorry if the Phillies run their team efficiently.

    and another thing, if the phillies were out there to ‘buy’ championships then they would have kept cliff lee.

  • mike

    hey ian, remember me? not writing to give you more crap, but your team has won 10 IN A ROW. don’t eulogize your team when they aren’t out of it.

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      Don’t tell me how to root for my Rockies!

      We have a very particular relationship; they break my heart exactly three times over the course of the season. After that third and most excruciating heartbreak I write them off, get stone cold drunk, and wake up three days later in the midst of a winning streak.

      Check out the second time I wrote off the 2010 Season (in July) and you’ll have a fair idea of what it is to be a die-hard Rockies fan: http://www.prosportscolorado.com/2010/07/29/3164-the-slow-decline-and-inevitable-resurrection-of-the-colorado-rockies/

  • mike

    haha fair enough man, fair enough!

  • Ted

    I can’t wait for when Tulo and Gonzalez are each making $20mil a season. Fargin’ hypocrite. And by the way, most of the Phils are homegrown, or were traded for, and then bestowed new contracts. The Phillies success has been due mostly to quality scouting and drafting. The money is to keep the guys we have.

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      Tulo is locked up through 2013 on a 6-year $31 million contract (with a club option for 2014), so you’ll be waiting a while. Gonzalez is due for contract negotiations this winter, and will probably see a similar long-term offer in the neighborhood of $50 million.

      And the Rockies will most likely end up with both players for much less than the Phillies are paying for just Ryan Howard’s services… an outrageous $125 million over 5 years.

      Where is the hypocrisy again?

  • Max

    HAHAHA — the rockies are a bunch of cheaters…using one set of baseballs for the visitors and another set for the home team!!! That’s great, this is my new favorite team. I love the cheaters!!! Lets go Rox!

  • Max

    How about writing a ‘dear Arizona D-backs’ (A Rockies Eulogy) hehehehahahahah

    bunch of losers.

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      The D-Bags? Nah. Divisional rivals always get up for series like this. AZ struck out 14 times last night on their way to winning that game. They’re an all-or-nothin’ team built for playing the spoiler. The Rocks have hung around long enough to make September baseball meaningful for the third year in four. Nothing to be upset about.

      Soooo… which AL team is going to expose the Phillies pitching staff as the pretenders they are this season? The Rangers? The Yankees? I say the smart money’s on the Twins.

  • Max

    Dear Rockies Fans (from the Rockies Players) once again sorry for ripping you hearts out—we tried we really did, but when we can’t cheat at home with rigged baseballs then we don’t seem to pitch as well. Even though the D-backs had only won 59 games, and there were only 15 games left with a playoff spot right in our sites, we were unable to beat them (fair and square). Just remember, Rockies fans, you and Cubs fans will have something in common this offseason, you both can sit around and whine, ‘well, there is always next year’.

    Oh, and that game Jimenez vs Lopez, yah, you don’t need to go back and watch it again, we really did lose that game. I know I know, Jimenez vs Lopez, it sounds funny to say out loud, but we really did lose.

  • Max

    I figured since you weren’t going to man up I’d write a short note for you.

  • Max

    Arg — first the D-backs now the Giants, we can’t get a break in the division. Need to go play the NL Central some more. And how about Timmy throwing that one ball in the garbage, cause it was ‘juiced’, those Giants are on to us! no more non humidor balls for our guys when they bat, we’ll need to figure out a better method to sneak them into games…

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      Ye gods! Don’t you have anything better to do?

      Shouldn’t you be warming up your boo-chords for McNabb’s visit to Philly this weekend? Hit up a playground and boo children for improperly riding the slide? Maybe just stand staring into a mirror and shouting racial epithets? You’ll need all the practice you can get when the Phillies return from another losing WS campaign. If you don’t berate them when they return, how will they know you care?

      I swear, Philadelphia fans should get paid for their individual commitments to being the biggest assholes in sports. The dedication involved is astounding.

  • Max

    Oh Rats!! — The Rox have been eliminated from the playoffs, Good Try everyone, lets all pull for our guys again next year! Like I said, we can sure beat up on the NL Central, but man oh man these games against the D-backs, Dodgers, and Giants are TUFF.

    I hope management is ready next year to cheat better and more often to assure our guys make the playoffs!

    Juice the balls, Juice the bats, LETS GO ROX!!!

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      The Rockies were .500 or better against every divisional opponent except the Dodgers this season. I’d say we did just fine in the division.

      I can tell you’re not one for statistics or thinking, though, so just keep ranting with zero knowledgeability. Replying to your asinine comments is an excellent respite from using my brain, engaging in meaningful dialogue, and a whole host of other thought-related activities we Coloradans enjoy so much.

      • Max

        Except in the month of SEPTEMBER

  • Max

    By the way, thanks for the complements, really appreciate them.

  • Max

    Ian, I do have one question, as a Rox fan, how come when Coors Light field opened, the Rox had no problems drawing close to 3.5++mm a year? The Rox year after year had more fans than a team like the Mets, but now, they draw more like the Braves. What happened?

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      Because the Denver Metro Area contains 2.7 million people while Long Island boasts 7.5 million.

      By the way, the Philadelphia Metro Area is the 4th largest metro area in the country behind New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago which is why they’re now paying their players exorbitant contracts and shipping off young talent to bring in veteran pitchers. How does it feel to root for the poor man’s Yankees?

      • Max

        If I was a Phils fan (I’m not, I follow the Rox!!!) I’d say I am going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

        So the ‘area’ contains 2.7mm people but they drew 3.7++mm?

        Interesting…

        • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

          Follow the Rox my ass.

          And if you do, then you are officially the only Rockies fan that bought into the “cheating with juiced baseball and humidors” stories. An opposing manager brought up these ridiculous claims to throw the Rockies off their game before a key series, and it lasted about 5 seconds in the national spotlight before anybody with half a brain realized that it is literally impossible to cheat in this manner.

          Unless the Rockies were sending an invisible ninja over to dig in the home plate ump’s ball pouch and replace the contents between the top and bottom half of each inning. Which is totally plausible if you’re a complete tool AND an idiot… so congrats on that…

          • Max

            Wow, that is one fancy mind game played by that opposing manager then, cause it sure appeared to have succeeded in throwing our guys off their game!!! (i know i know … correlation causation). Wish our manager could think of things like that to throw others off their games, we sure could have used some mind mojo against Matt Kemp and Rodrigo Lopez recently….

            You curse a lot for a typical Rox fan. Are you from the west coast? Do you spend a lot of time stuck in traffic? You come across as if you have borderline anger management issues, I think you need to learn to relax, take some deep breaths, maybe start drinking green tea a bit more. Probably need less caffeine. You want me to recommend some books to help with your problems?

          • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

            If your contention is that the Rockies are poorly managed, then you should have said so. No argument here. Mismanagement of the pitching staff was the beginning and untimely end of the Rockies’ 2010 story.

            Anger issues? I told you before, I love these little chats. Now you’re masquerading as a Rockies fan, and that’s amusing as all hell. Woops, there’s that “West Coast” cussing again from the guy born and raised in Denver.

  • Max

    Never mind, I figuered it out, the team simply made up the statistics on number of people that went to the games back then. Same thing as using juiced baseballs, this management is GREAT, they just do whatever regardless of any rules.

    Another good game against a division foe last night. Matt Kemp showed up.

  • Max

    I realize they may not be your favorite team for whatever reasons, but local boy had a historic evening yesterday. Hope you got a chance to watch some of it.

    Goofy mlb start times nonetheless…

    • Max

      Of course you probably don’t appreciate good pitching, probably more a fan of the 10-9 type games with 25 hits, 8 walks, 12 guys LOB, etc. You know more like the typical Rox game at our juiced up staduim.

      • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

        Actually, yeah. As far as going to a game I’d rather watch a barn-burner than an 0-1 pitching exhibition. But I don’t mind this “Year of the Pitcher” stuff either. So many guys can throw with such sick movement now. Pitching caught up to hitting after the ‘Roid Era ended and now has surpassed it.

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      Big Halladay fan. I’m self-employed so I watched the majority of that performance. He was just locked in. In the 8th & 9th Innings you knew nobody was getting anything off him. The Phillies may not lose a game until the World Series.

  • Max

    Little late, but I’ve been reading up on my politics.

    Nice trade — I’m glad the Rox swung for $500K and the infamous PTBNL… winner winner chicken dinner

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      We may yet end up getting Olivo back, and nobody would take Francis for… well, a chicken dinner

  • Max

    Wow. Just wow. Big bucks to Tulo. I think I like this given that they’ve locked in cost when salary rates for free agents keep rising. In 2018-2020 a $20mm per year rate might be very very reasonable. The injury thing with Tule makes me nervous. That is a long way out to give someone a big deal. wish they could have gotten a larger home town discount since they are taking on almost all of the risk given Tulo was 4 years away from free agency.

    • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

      Would have rather seen them hammer out a contract with Gonzalez first given Tulo’s existing long-term deal. Injuries shouldn’t be a big deal. Last season’s broken wrist was just a bad pitcher coming inside and missing so badly he plucked a tender spot. Still, Tulo’s just one man and the Rocks continue to lack at catcher, 1st and 3rd base.

  • Max

    I fear the injuries are a pattern given his personality and playing style. He pushes himself very hard, plays a difficult position, and doesn’t let up ever. A 10 year deal for someone that has had 3 different injuries (wrist, hand, quad/groin) before age 26 makes me nervous. He is aways going to slide hard, dive for balls, etc, punch walls. You know, anger management issues, like I thought you had, typical west coast kind of person.

    • http://www.prosportscolorado.com Jason Ackerman

      haha – anger management issues on the west coast? have you even BEEN to the west coast? if anything, folks on the west coast could use a bit of anger, it might show their passion a bit.

      But back to the topic at hand, you’re right that Tulo plays hard and thus is more injury-prone. But I think the Rockies are probably looking at the reality that their current “Face” may not make it through (or to) next season, and they want to be sure that at least for this position, they don’t turn into the Yankees 4A Farm Club.

  • Max

    You’ve either never driven anywhere in LA during rush hour or have only been to whine country. The people on those free ways are a hair trigger away from killing an entire family and their dog if they so much as turn on a blinker to try and cut them off.

    The Silicon Valley folks that don’t make millions yet drive 1.5 hours each way in the morning are very very angry, at everyone. Go to an immigration rally and tell me those people (those people being so called laid back west coasters) don’t have some serious pent up anger. C’mon man, get out of your basement for a bit and go see the country.

    I’ve met folks from Seattle that were going stir crazy freaking bonkers mad angry just because it rained 39 days in row. I mean what could be more peaceful…

    • Max

      Or you could just read some of Ian’s rants above. All the cursing. Can’t you just imagine him screaming at his monitor. One Big Ole Angry Dude.

      • http://spacesbetween.spaces.live.com Ian Cerveny

        I’ve gained a few pounds since high school, but I’m still only 185… not really Big… or Ole. But I am an ex-metalhead so there’s definitely some righteous anger in there. It usually only comes out when the Phillies or Raiders are mentioned, but I reserve the right to be an angry ass at the drop of a hat.

        And people in LA don’t count as “Westerners” or “west-coasters” or whatever other regional title you might like to give them. It’s hard to be laid back when you live at the mouth of one of the world’s six portals to hell. Los Angeles is a big pile of stinky crap and living anywhere near there is a brand of self-punishment that even the Catholic church finds masochistic.

        • Max

          See there, now that is what I’m talking about.

          I have never heard of not being able to count folks from LA as something other than ‘west coasters’, I’ll consider that because they are breed all to themselves. That is one place on earth that has a great repuatation amongst people that have never been there, but go there once for a long period of time and wait and sell. They are some of the angriest people I’ve ever met. NY’ers may be a-holes, but generally they are happy a-holes.

  • Max

    Hey what is it with Cheating and Colorado Teams?

    First we get the Rox using their fancy humidifier (heheh) for one set of balls for their batters, and then a different set for the opposing team.

    Then we get the Broncos taping a walk through practice.

    How come we cheat, but we still lose? If we are going to go through the effort we might as well come away winners like the red sox (roids) and Pats (spygate)

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