Jerome V’s 2009 NFL Awards
The NFL season never really ends these days, as the Super Bowl bleeds into offseason trades, gives way to off-field incident reports, leads to a media screech-fest, is briefly interrupted by the raw power of the NFL Combine, suddenly transforms into the next season’s schedule release, and finally culminates in the NFL Draft. As we prepare for that offseason finale, take a moment to reflect on the 2009 season with Jerome V’s 2009 NFL Awards.
There is a brief moment after all the 7-layer dip has been mauled, the dead soldiers cleared, and the celebratory rampages have petered out into hungover walks of shame. A moment when every team, save one, is once again equal in their quest for the Lombardi, and every fan equal in their deep dread at the prospect of another long offseason filled with Mike Mayock talking out of his ass.
It is this moment that I’d like to ruin with my final in a sporadic installment of…
2009 NFL AWARDS!
The Napoleon Award
Given to the smallest player to have the biggest impact in the league, this award clearly goes to Tennessee’s Chris ‘I’m Down Here’ Johnson. Johnson, who’s body-to-helmet ratio makes him look like Rick Moranis in ‘Spaceballs,’ was clearly head and shoulders below the competition. He joins the 2000 yard club with style after 17 weeks of schooling dudes who routinely get mistaken for livestock. One must now wonder whether the diminutive ball-squirrel will be able to stay healthy in the face of rigors that would dispirit a Volkswagon twice his size. Let’s hope for his sake that LenDale White can start producing more than a convincing case for Weight Watchers and give the mini-stud a breather.
The 8th Amendment Award
Awarded to the player who inflicts the most cruel and unusual punishment on his team’s fan base, this award goes to Jamarcus ‘Where The Buffet At’ Russell. Beating out former AFC West foe Jay ‘Which Team Am I On?’ Cutler on the strength of his utter hopelessness, Russell’s play this year could only be described as ‘egregious.’ In direct contradiction to the previously held supposition of physicists the world over, Raider’s faithful discovered first hand that something can suck harder than a Black Hole. Made all the more offensive by his salary ($61 mil over 6 years), Russell tortured silver and black fans for 9 straight weeks before a Constitutionally-required benching by Tom ‘Punchdrunk’ Cable made Supreme Court intervention unnecessary.
NOTE: Were owners eligible for this award, Al ‘Euthanasia’ Davis would be on the hook for hiring this klutz. And for picking Wayward-Bay over Crabtree and Harvin – a decision which the Raiders’ cross-bay rivals no doubt still laugh about daily.
The Mini-Me Award
Given to the clone who most resembles his studly progenitor, this award goes to the up-and-coming Julian Edelman. Clearly grown in the back of Bill Belichick’s closet using illicit scientific devices and DNA swiped from a drinking glass, Edelman is a dead ringer for the Patriots wideout/mongoose Wes ‘Slot Machine’ Welker. However, like any copy, he just ain’t the same as the original. But then again, even if he ends up being half the player Welker is, he’ll be a 2′ 8″ slot terror with 65 catches and well above-average whiteness.
The Brett Favre Award
Given to the player that most needs to RETIRE ALREADY, this award goes to Kerry ‘I Got An Extension, Bitches’ Collins. The tottering spearhead of an 0-6 start by a team that proved to be playoff material needs to go the way of the Silver Fox and hang it up. Then come back with another team. Then really hang it up. Then come back with another team, miss one final Super Bowl, and then really, really hang it up. For good, this time. We hope. Dear God do we hope.
The Elderly Abuse Award
Given to the unit that most mercilessly pounded the ever-loving crap out of an AARP member, this award goes to Greg ‘I Blitzed Your Mother’ Williams and the Saint’s Defense. The hitters from the Big Easy went straight Clockwork Orange for two consecutive weeks in the playoffs, driving both Kurt Warner and Brett Favre through the turf and into retirement (we hope). Props to the bloodthirsty New Orleans D for not going soft, even when it appeared that #4 may have actually dislocated a lung. It’s hard to feel sympathetic for the grizzled signal-callers, though, as most peoples’ pity is being hoarded by the winner of…
The Epic Fail Award
Given to the player who f***ed up the most heinously in a single game effort, this award is a run-away victory for Nate ‘Heimlich’ Kaeding. Kaeding found out the hard way that drinking a fifth of Jim Beam and riding the tea cups at Disneyland may not be the best pre-game ritual. The Chargers’ (soon-to-be former) kicker shanked a trio of make-able field-goal tries in the nail-biting divisional tangle with the J-E-T-S, essentially costing them the game. It’s rare to see someone choke that seriously without it ending in: a) a trach-tube; or, b) a coffin. And depending on how hard his (soon-to-be former) team-mates take it, either one could still be in Kaeding’s future.
Read about the Denver Broncos’ 2010 Season Prospects here
