Will explosive DE Elvis Dumervil get 20 sacks this season, or will he get traded for no good damn reason? Welcome to the Denver Broncos' (mock) 2010 Season
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The 2010 Broncos season is just one draft, three shockingly random trades, and five months away. The once proud residents of Broncoland, who have spent most of this offseason trying to avoid the new ‘all news is bad news’ flavor of the organization, are desperate to know how Denver stacks up against its 2010 competition.
What follows is an exact (mock) depiction of the Denver Broncos’ 2010 schedule. While staring deeply into my future-sight crystal ball (it may have been a highball glass) I was able to watch the entire 2010 Broncos season unfold from on high. Returning in a stupefied, half-conscious state, I wrote this article…
Denver Broncos @ Jacksonville Jaguars
Sunday, September 12th 2010 @ 11:00 MST on CBS
The revamped Denver defense will hold down the inconsistent Jacksonville offense just long enough for Kyle Orton to find a tight end or something for the winning touchdown. Josh McDaniels will be hailed publicly as a genius, but still reviled privately by 90% of his players. WIN 1-0
Seattle Seahawks @ Denver Broncos
Sunday, September 19th @ 2:05 MST on FOX
Pete Carroll & his Seahawks will stroll into Mile High Stadium fresh off an emotional Week 1 victory at home versus the division-rival San Francisco 49ers. Pundits will believe that the Seahawks are now a competitive team. They will be wrong.
The Broncos’ offense will open up a minor can of whoopass on the defenseless Seahawks. Having started the season 2-0, pundits will laud Denver as a challenger in the AFC West. They will be wrong. WIN 2-0
Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos
Sunday, September 26th @ 2:15 MST on CBS
An 0-2 Colts squad will come to Denver off unexpected losses at Houston to the rising Texans and at home to Manning the Lesser and his hardnosed Giants. Peyton Manning will finally warm up that terrifyingly mechanical Indy offense after two pitiful outings, followed by an undressing of the Broncos’ young secondary. LOSS 2-1
Denver Broncos @ Tennessee Titans
Sunday, October 3rd @ 11:00 MST on CBS
Josh McDaniels will have his team playing tight, disciplined football by Week 4.
Unfortunately, the Titans have been playing tight, disciplined football (except for the postseason) for 15 years under Jeff Fisher.  McD’s Master Plan will not be enough to mash out a win in Tennessee. LOSS 2-2
Denver Broncos @ Baltimore Ravens
Sunday, October 10th @ 11:00 pm on CBS
Last season the Broncos were embarrassed at Baltimore 7-30. That loss came after a 6-0 start, and it started Denver down a path to football purgatory (8-8). In 2010, the Ravens will have a chance to deal Denver its first losing record of the season. They will succeed. LOSS 2-3
New York Jets @ Denver Broncos
Sunday, October 17th @ 2:15 MST on CBS
The Jets will have an opportunity to start the season 5-0 with a favorable early-season schedule. (Road games against beatable teams, home games against tougher teams.) Will the boys in green really come to Denver undefeated in Week 6? I don’t know, my amazing Future Vision becomes blurry and disoriented at the New Jersey border.
What is certain is that the Jets will stroll into Denver with a winning record, a bye week on the horizon, and a serious case of unfocused play. It happened to the Jersey Jets all last season, and it will happen again in Denver. Lucky thing too, because the Jets are a title contender in 2010. WIN 3-3
Oakland Raiders @ Denver Broncos
Sunday, October 17th @ 2:05 MST on CBS
The Broncos have struggled with the Raiders in Denver the last two seasons.
This time McDaniels will have his team ready. Josh McD is a lot of things… among them a sore looser. Recognizing that he lost to a lesser team at home last season, McDaniels will outmaneuver whatever pasted-together coaching staff takes the Raiders sideline on this particular day. WIN 4-3
Denver Broncos @ San Francisco 49ers
Sunday, October 31st @ 11:00 MST on CBS
For some reason I blacked out during this portion of the Vision. It may have been too much whiskey, we’ll never know for sure. As a result this game will officially be noted as a sure-thing tie. Good job Broncos. Way to not lose. TIE 4-3-1
BYE WEEK
Week 9
Josh McDaniels will utilize his Bye Week to place his best player on the trading block. It will probably be DE Elvis Dumervil. Luckily, other organizations will have stopped answering McDaniels’ & Errand Boy Brian Xanders’ phone calls weeks earlier after McXanders drunk dials his entire NFL contact list in a single night.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos
Sunday, October 31st @ 11:00 MST on CBS
The Broncos are lucky to get Kansas City at home after a week of rest.
These Chiefs are on their way up the AFC West ladder. A well-rested Denver defense does just enough to hold down the explosive KC offense, and Kyle Orton throws for 300 yards in the win. Zombie Eddie Royal shakes off a headache and the thirst for sweet brain juices long enough to find his legs and grabs 10 balls for 100+ and a touchdown. WIN 5-3-1
Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers
Monday, November 22nd @ 6:30 MST on ESPN
The Broncos’ one and only trip to the Monday Night Football stage in 2010 will be an unmitigated disaster as the Chargers flex their dominance.
However, in an epic twist of fate, former San Diego Nose Tackle Jamal Williams, now decked out in orange ‘n blue, does a double underhook suplex on Chargers’ QB Philip “Perma-smirk†Rivers. Philip breaks something important on the play, and the Chargers immediately regret trading their best backup QB in the offseason. Undaunted, Norv Turner puts Darren Sproles under center and runs direct snaps to him the rest of the game. Somehow this strategy works, or Josh McDaniels calls fifteen bubble screens to Jabar Gaffney or something, and the Broncos lose anyway. LOSS 5-4-1
St. Louis Rams @ Denver Broncos
Sunday, November 28th @ 2:15 MST on FOX
This late November game in the Mile High City will be played in swirling snow. Knowshon Moreno will take the opportunity to run for almost 200 yards while only fumbling twice. His three touchdowns will make it just better than a break-even day, and Elvis Dumervil will toss Rams quarterbacks all over the offensive backfield. WIN 6-4-1
Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs
Sunday, December 5th @ 11:00 MST on CBS
It’s a real shame the NFL scheduling czars didn’t see fit to make this a Monday night affair the next day. The Broncos always beat the Chiefs on my birthday, December 6th. Check the record books, its true. The day I was born, the Broncos beat the Chiefs on December 6th. A couple years ago Denver rocked the chiefs on my birthday.
December 5th? What a lame day. And a lame loss. The Broncos experience their typical late-season in KC shakes, and are pounded into the Arrowhead turf. LOSS 6-5-1
Denver Broncos @ Arizona Cardinals
Sunday, December 12th @ 2:15 MST on CBS
Poor, poor Cardinals fans. Kurt Warner comes in and turns a perennial loser into a Super Bowl contender. Then, like a flash, he’s gone, and with it any hopes of a return to the Big Game. Luckily, Arizona still plays in the weakest division in football. Unluckily, their soft schedule will not prepare them for a home game against the Broncos.
Denver rolls the Cards in an unseemly fashion. WIN 7-5-1
Denver Broncos @ Oakland Raiders
Sunday, December 19th @ 2:15 MST on CBS
Late in the season and needing a win to stay in the playoff hunt, the Broncos scrape together a gutsy win in Oakland. For many Broncos fans, this game will look like an okay team turning the corner towards greatness. Other Broncos fans will realize that it’s just the friggin’ Raiders and even a near-loss to Oakland is just a little disgraceful. WIN 8-5-1
Houston Texans @ Denver Broncos
Sunday, December 26th @ 2:05 MST on CBS
The Day After Christmas and all is not well,
For one Gary Kubiak is coming to town.
Mastermind Junior and dressed in all red,
With visions of playoff births stuck in his head.
McDaniels will scream, kick, bite & spit,
But the Ghost of Mike Shanahan presides over this.
At Mile High Stadium on this fateful day,
The Texans will win it running away.
LOSS 8-6-1
San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos
Sunday, January 2nd @ 2:15 MST on CBS
A New Year and a new chance to smite the hated Chargers will instill a sense of purpose and destiny in the Broncos. Having already locked up the shaky AFC West, the Chargers will rest Philip Rivers, who has his contract amended to read, “Philip shall not take the field if Jamal Williams and Elvis Dumervil have both lined up on the opposite side of the ball. Failure to abide by this amendment shall result in the immediate launching of one Norv Turner from the nearest catapult or catapult-like object.†WIN 9-6-1
Denver eeks its way into the postseason with a 9-6-1 record, beating out at least three 9-7 teams. A first-round rematch with the Jersey Jets lies on the horizon. (End Vision)
Before you settle in for another non-stop media blitz populated by talking heads, draftnicks & pundits galore, take a moment to reflect on the 2009 season with Jerome V’s 2009 NFL Awards
