Is Drew Brees an Unstoppable Touchdown Machine?
Thanks to the miracles of modern technology, our guest commentary this week comes from Jerome Virnich from his cushy post as an English teacher outside of Seoul, South Korea.  Thank you Jerome for allowing me to expand upon and repost your comical musings…
Well, The Season is finally here, and with it comes five long, grueling months of amateur commentary and sadomasochistic stat-crunching that saves many a football fan from an honest days work.
Now, due to a glitch in the Matrix (and the glory of Justin.tv) I got to watch about 70% of all the snaps from this week’s games. (Did you know that a football game is only, like, a half-hour of actual football? The rest is just commercials and play-calling. That means that you can watch 6 games worth of play footage in the space of a regular broadcast.  I had no idea.)
So, without further ado, I give you…
Jerome’s Week 1 NFL Awards! (As edited, massaged & otherwise defiled by Ian.)
The Fetal Position Award
Jake Delhomme. Granted, the Eagles front seven dominated the line of scrimmage, but 5 turnovers and a benching?! Even your own mother wants nothing to do with you on a day like that. If this keeps up, I wonder if Carolina will be in the Shanahan sweeps. Worse, Dante Culpepper could find his way back into the NFL! What is certain is that the Panthers have officially missed their window for a Super Bowl victory this decade, and next decade is likely to include the term “rebuilding Panthers†well beyond the comfort level of the average Carolina fan.
The Drew Brees Award
Drew Brees. 358 yards and 6 TD’s?! You get your own award for that. That Saints offense looked like a surgeon operating on a sack of kittens with a laser. The score was not so lopsided that the Saints were ever completely comfortable though, and they were facing a rookie quarterback on a team that won zero games last season. Some pointed questions begin to bubble up… Is New Orleans this season’s Arizona?… Will Reggie Bush find himself taking up the rear of a three-back platoon?  If the Saints do make it to the Big Dance, how badly will the Steelers beat them? Premonitions of a Pittsburgh repeat aside, I can’t wait for New Orleans vs. Philly in Week 2. We may need to get the abacus out for that one.
The Most Improved but Still Mediocre Award
The Denver Broncos. The Broncos D looked fantastic against a loaded Cincinnati offense. The pass-rush was in full effect, the scheme was aggressive, and the tackling was well above the expectations of years past. Rookie CB Alphonso Smith looks to be the real deal. He is a fantastic tackler, and he held up in coverage well enough for his first pro appearance. That may quell the nay-sayers who berated Josh McDaniels for trading a 2010 1st round pick to draft Smith in the 2nd round of the 2009 draft. (McDaniels said at the time that he was “first round talent in the second round.â€Â Kudos.) However, the Broncos offense looked horrid. Like, Cleveland bad. So bad, in fact, that they are in the running for…
The Kyle Orton Award
This one goes to Jay Cutler. Cutler played like a rookie, and was in fact outplayed by actual rookies on other teams through Week 1 as Mark Sanchez and Matthew Stafford (barely) outperformed Chicago’s benighted savior. Is Chicago cursed to never field a Class A quarterback? Was Jay just a little overanxious in his first start? Do the Bears find their wide receivers in the NFL bargain bin and just hope for the best? I mean, Devin Hester is their #1 receiver and has had more success on special teams and equal success as a defensive back over the course of his career.  Maybe Cutler forgot that his top target is a Bears cornerback, not a Packers cornerback. Easy mistake to make.
The Post Office Massacre Award
The Eagles. The defense got 7 turnovers and spent more time in the Carolina backfield than Delhomme did. The offense moved the ball at will, their special teams got points, and Shady McCoy could be the steal of the draft. And all of this without Michael Vick. Super #5 needs a ring, and this could be the group to do it. Although take note that the football gods were greatly angered by a designed QB sneak on the Eagle’s 5th touchdown. The mighty football gods are not pleased by the running up of scores in pro football (see ’07-’08 Patriots). The play led to a McNabb back injury, and a possible reappearance of the Ghost of Jeff Garcia.
The Matt Cassel Award
Brodie Croyle. 24 points against the Ravens D? I’m not sure that’s ever happened before. Like, in the history of the world. Sure, they lost – they are Kansas City, after all. But the AFC West better take notice. The Chefs are cooking up some upsets this year, and the Raiders’ spirited near-win against the Chargers goes to show how close the division is to relative parity.  Now if only the Chiefs could find an offensive line and two cornerbacks who have successfully navigated puberty (both starters are 23 years old) they may just find some consistency.
The Ground and Pound Award
Derrick Ward. The obvious choice is Adrian Peterson for violating the Browns D. But that’s just too easy. So I’m going with Ward, who might have challenged AP’s stats were he not in a committee with the ferocious Cadillac Williams. Together, the Tampa duo beat the living snot out of the Dallas D. I mean, it was like watching The Who vs. a hotel room. Absolute carnage. Let’s see if they can keep it up.
Note: An honorable mention goes to Mike Bell, who averaged 5.5 ypc on what was mostly inside running. Let’s see of he can do it against someone other than the Cowardly Lions.
The Division of Shame Award
The NFC West. Beating out the AFC West on the strength of the Ram’s utter ineptitude and the Cards’ loss to the 49ers (the Niners, fer !@#% sake!), the NFC West is poised to be the most consistently spanked division in football. Sure, the NFC’s representative at the Super Bowl came out of this division last season, but the Arizona defense may actually be slightly worse this season.  Combine that with their continuing inability to keep opposing offenses out of the end zone in the final quarter of football games and a receiving corps that just went from three-deep to one and a half deep due to injuries, and suddenly the Seahawks are the best team in the division! What is more depressing still is that one of these teams will make the playoffs while good teams from the stacked NFC South & East will have to stay home.
…and finally…
The Crystal Ball Award
JaMarcus Russel. Russel gets the award for having watched the Bucs game and realizing that he is the next Byron Leftwich.  Byron, meanwhile, is the next Daunte Culpepper.  And Daunte is the next applicant to your local Mervyn’s store. Revelations all around. The pressing question then becomes; if Leftwich is the next Culpepper, and the Jaguars let Byron walk two seasons ago, then who the hell is David Garrard and why is he quarterbacking a professional football team? More questions and surely some answers as we charge awkwardly into Week 2…
