Englewood, CO — Two days after Denver quarterback Jay Cutler put his four-bedroom, seven-bathroom, one-waterfall, custom-built Denver area home on the market, the Broncos announced a final shocking twist in a saga that has increasingly resembled a Mexican soap opera. What began as a shady proposal for a three-way trade involving his former boss, has quickly become a full-blown fiasco for first-year head coach Josh McDaniels. For Cutler, who is preparing to enter his fourth year as a Broncos quarterback, the news was reportedly enough to cause him to wet his pants and demand an immediate diaper change.
A meeting between the two feuding sides occurred behind closed doors over the weekend. An anonymous source present at the meeting described it as, “Very much like a meeting of your class government in high school… and then the cheerleader and the class president start throwing pom-poms and clip-on ties and calling each other names. Yes, very much like that.†The first scheduled team meeting under the new head coach occurred Monday morning, but was conspicuously not attended by Cutler. Reports are now circulating that, having been denied his diaper change, Baby Jay is now demanding a trade instead. Although he is rumored to be willing to accept his weight in gold-plated pacifiers to stay with the team.
The Broncos’ VP of Public Relations, Jim Saccomano, appeared before select members of the local and national media on Monday to detail owner Pat Bowlen’s plans for resolving the embarrassingly public spat between Cutler and McDaniels.
“After careful consideration of Josh and Jay’s perspectives, Mr. Bowlen has decided that both are basically immature, self-centered idiots. Pat has lost sleep over this, you know? He’s a very involved owner. He didn’t know what to do since both individuals were clearly in the wrong†began Saccomano. “We’ve given them time to sort this out by themselves, but they are clearly such little bitches that it’s just not gonna happen. Mr. Bowlen has been forced to invoke the Slapfight Clause.â€
For those unfamiliar with the Broncos organization, the Slapfight Clause has been written into every contract since Dan Reeves was forced out of Denver after years of tension between himself and Hall of Fame quarterback John Elway. To avoid a similarly disruptive situation in the future, Bowlen drafted the first version of the Slapfight Clause while shooting tequila with fellow University of Oklahoma alumni.
Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity brother Horace Bringsby recalls that evening. “So Patty slams, like, his eighth shot in an hour. I mean, really slams it. He stands up and says, ‘Football isn’t fun when I got to play mommy to a couple of little bitches.’ And then he grabs a pen and paper and hollers for Marty to come over, he was our frat lawyer back in the day, and they start hammerin’ out this new contract clause.â€
Although Bowlen could not impose the freshly written clause on Elway and Reeves’ existing contracts, he was sure to include it in every contract signed since that evening. The result has been a remarkably low rate of bitch-related activity in an NFL era defined by prima donnas and super-egos. In fact, a 2006 study showed that the Broncos were consistently in the bottom five Least Annoying Teams since 2003, the year that Reeves was fired and replaced by a gelatinous substance sometimes called Wade Phillips.
The clause, once invoked by the team owner, gives the offending members of the organization three days to schedule a no-holds-barred, publicly televised slap fight. Saccomano said that both Cutler and McDaniels had been notified of the decision by an irate Bowlen mere hours before the press conference. “Pat’s a great guy. One of the best owners in the league. But when he thinks you’re being a bitch, he’s gonna let you know it.†The winner of the slapfight earns the right to drop the title ‘Little Bitch’, and take on the less embarrassing title of ‘Whiny Punk’.
Requests for comment were not returned by Cutler or McDaniels, although Snoop Dog did make an unsolicited call to my Manhattan office just previous to publication of this story. “I just want to go on record, aight? I just got to ask… why ya’ll gotta be bitches? Come on now! How much money you make and ya doin watchu love, and ya’ll still got ta act like bitches. Damn! Getchyoselves straight.â€
